I’ve begun to find the phrase vomit inducing - the credit crunch.
If it was any more of a cliché it wouldn’t need a mirror to see itself.
And last Friday I walked into the bank looking for a loan.
So we’re now strapped for cash because the banks were telling us we had money when we didn’t.
Social acceptability must play a part in all of this, but the silk tied, a-la-carte lovers had more knowledge in their hands than our household budgets which restricted us to two takeaways a month.
Bank mangers around the country were leeching off our ignorant boredom for terms and conditions while we gleefully snogged the dotted line.
Enter the bankers.
Yes, they get their own paragraph. They watched us walk around town like cretins spending their money. As our statements began to look red, so did their faces - with excitement.
They watched and admired our skills for spending, while they knew the truth and championed the interest we could never afford.
Looking back, they are about as decisive as a set of traffic lights.
Sitting in white offices (well it’s all the rage now, a white office with a single plant) with their over confident secretary’s telling them they’re right all the time, it’s no wonder we haven’t seen a single bald bank manager on TV.
Only 12 months ago a high street bank offered me a mortgage, and it was around the same time I thought Argos was pricey.
So on Friday I went to the bank to look for a loan to buy a car. I wasn’t looking for one with head massages, retractable roofs or even an ashtray, just something with a seat and an exhaust.
First I was told I was earning to little; then I was told I was not with the company long enough; and then finally, in the finest re-enactment of Little Britain, it was the “computer” that said no.
I am now earning more than I was when they offered me a mortgage, yet the cost of a rusty, flat-tyred MOT dodger is more of a risk than buying a four bedroomed home.
I exclaimed: “But you can see what I’m earning, it’s more than enough for this loan.”
Guilt ridden, polyester wearing employee: “The computer says no.”
Credit is supposed to be given out on the basis of common sense, so maybe the a-la-carte lovers were right all along - there is a credit crunch.
That’s right bankers, forget social responsibility, because everyone else will work hard to keep your ice buckets filled with cork popping debts. In fact, we will even provide you with that sandwich bag on retirement to hold all of your achievements.
“Taxi.”
Jason Lavan writes a weekly blog published every Wednesday at www.newportadvertiser.com.